I never thought

Hello everyone!

I’m dropping in on a Sunday to participate in Julia’s (from Lord-Still-Loves-Me) Recovery Round-up Link up which will be up on Monday.

I’ve talked about my history of anorexia before, but I don’t talk about it that often, because I don’t consider it to be a part of my present life. I call myself recovered (read why here), so my life no longer revolves around the strife and battle against it. In case you’re wondering, here’s a post where I detailed my journey to recovery. 

Still, I am very passionate about increasing awareness about eating disorders and supporting people currently in the fight.

Today’s post was prompted by an occurrence a couple weeks ago where I ordered french fries at a restaurant. Pretty simple stuff right? Yet, when I made the order that day, I realized how I never would’ve done such a thing a couple years ago. And that got me thinking about all the things I never thought I would be able to do again…

When I was in the early midst of it all,

I never thought I’d be able to think about anything but food and exercise.
I never thought I’d be able to smile without faking it.
I never thought I’d be able to go to a social event and feel comfortable.
I never thought I’d be able to recover friendships that I’d lost.
I never thought I’d be able to feed myself a real meal 3 times a day without being prompted by someone else.
I never thought I’d be able to eat without a meal plan.

In “pseudo-recovery”,

I never thought that I would be able to look at myself and feel okay with what I saw.
I never thought I’d be able to eat something without knowing exactly what was in it.
I never thought I’d be able to admit I was hungry.
I’d never thought I’d eat french fries or candy or mystery casseroles at church potlucks again.
I never thought I’d be able to go a day without exercise.
I never thought I’d eat freely and just go by whatever I wanted.
I never thought I’d be able to fully let myself enjoy food.
I never thought I’d be able to accept dessert.
I never thought I’d be able to enjoy anything spontaneous.
I never thought I’d be able to openly talk about my struggle/history of anorexia and depression.
I never thought I’d be able to suggest making cookies.
I never thought I’d be the first to go back for seconds.

Even later,

I never thought I wouldn’t feel guilty if I skipped exercising.
I never thought I’d not be bothered by seeing my weight.
I never thought I’d be able to go a day without thinking about my eating disorder past.
I never thought I’d be able to say “I’m recovered.”

But I’ve done all things and SO much more. I’m living, breathing, and thriving in this new life.

Every time I was doing better or going further in recovery, I thought I reached my max. I thought there was no way I could push any further. I didn’t think it would get any better.
Every little “impossible” thing became very possible and began to carry little to no weight.
I thought there were things I would just be stuck with and have to just deal with as a “part of me”. I never believed it could get as good as it is.
The me, that I thought could never be fully resurrected, came to life and being me became so much easier.

So if you feel like you’re stuck always being a certain way or that certain things will always be impossible, have hope. It can (and will, if you allow it) get even better. Hang tight. 

If you’re needing encouragement or have questions, feel free to contact me through my email, katebennett925(at)gmail(dot)com.