I never thought

Hello everyone!

I’m dropping in on a Sunday to participate in Julia’s (from Lord-Still-Loves-Me) Recovery Round-up Link up which will be up on Monday.

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I’ve talked about my history of anorexia before, but I don’t talk about it that often, because I don’t consider it to be a part of my present life. I call myself recovered (read why here), so my life no longer revolves around the strife and battle against it. In case you’re wondering, here’s a post where I detailed my journey to recovery. 

Still, I am very passionate about increasing awareness about eating disorders and supporting people currently in the fight.

Today’s post was prompted by an occurrence a couple weeks ago where I ordered french fries at a restaurant. Pretty simple stuff right? Yet, when I made the order that day, I realized how I never would’ve done such a thing a couple years ago. And that got me thinking about all the things I never thought I would be able to do again…

When I was in the early midst of it all,

I never thought I’d be able to think about anything but food and exercise.
I never thought I’d be able to smile without faking it.
I never thought I’d be able to go to a social event and feel comfortable.
I never thought I’d be able to recover friendships that I’d lost.
I never thought I’d be able to feed myself a real meal 3 times a day without being prompted by someone else.
I never thought I’d be able to eat without a meal plan.

In “pseudo-recovery”,

I never thought that I would be able to look at myself and feel okay with what I saw.
I never thought I’d be able to eat something without knowing exactly what was in it.
I never thought I’d be able to admit I was hungry.
I’d never thought I’d eat french fries or candy or mystery casseroles at church potlucks again.
I never thought I’d be able to go a day without exercise.
I never thought I’d eat freely and just go by whatever I wanted.
I never thought I’d be able to fully let myself enjoy food.
I never thought I’d be able to accept dessert.
I never thought I’d be able to enjoy anything spontaneous.
I never thought I’d be able to openly talk about my struggle/history of anorexia and depression.
I never thought I’d be able to suggest making cookies.
I never thought I’d be the first to go back for seconds.

Even later,

I never thought I wouldn’t feel guilty if I skipped exercising.
I never thought I’d not be bothered by seeing my weight.
I never thought I’d be able to go a day without thinking about my eating disorder past.
I never thought I’d be able to say “I’m recovered.”

But I’ve done all things and SO much more. I’m living, breathing, and thriving in this new life.
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Every time I was doing better or going further in recovery, I thought I reached my max. I thought there was no way I could push any further. I didn’t think it would get any better.
Every little “impossible” thing became very possible and began to carry little to no weight.
I thought there were things I would just be stuck with and have to just deal with as a “part of me”. I never believed it could get as good as it is.
The me, that I thought could never be fully resurrected, came to life and being me became so much easier.

So if you feel like you’re stuck always being a certain way or that certain things will always be impossible, have hope. It can (and will, if you allow it) get even better. Hang tight. 

If you’re needing encouragement or have questions, feel free to contact me through my email, katebennett925(at)gmail(dot)com.

 

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22 thoughts on “I never thought

  1. This is incredible and I am so so proud of you for accomplishing all of these things! Reading this was extremely helpful because not only did it remind me of how far I’ve come but it also reminded me of how far I still have to go (which is important for me right now because as my weight rises I tend to assume that I’m all set–im recovered). So congratulations and THANK YOU!!

    1. Yay, Laura! Isn’t it awesome to see how MUCH you’ve grown? I firmly believe that I’m totally recovered, but who knows- one day I may be even more so!
      PS wished you blogged more b/c I love to read what you have to say!

  2. It’s great to know that you are recovered! although I’ve never struggled with an eating disorder, I think it’s so important for you to share your story, not only for the people struggling with an eating disorder, but also for the people who aren’t. It allows us to better understand the mentality of someone struggling with an ED and gives me a better perspective on what they go through, so thank you 🙂 It must feel great to realise that you can live this new life without any food or exercise fears!

  3. Kate, this post lead me to your initial post describing more of your journey. I feel so much respect and admiration now having a better understanding of where you are coming from and where you are today. I love that you made clear how “phase” oriented recovery can be, and that even though each new phase is an accomplishment, it still has its own struggles to push through. But that if you just keep pushing you can one day find yourself past all the “phases” and somewhere you maybe couldn’t have even imagined. You are truly a beacon of light and hope! 🙂

  4. I’m late to the game (didn’t do much blog reading this weekend), but this is wonderful. Isn’t it amazing how we surprise ourselves when we put forth the effort and have the proper tools (therapy, support from friends/family, the will/drive to improve…) in place?! Glad you’re able to look back on your ED with both an open mind and the realization that it took a lot to get you to this point. Keep sharing your story (when you wish, that is) and being so encouraging.

  5. I absolutely love this post! I feel like I’m stuck in that pseudo recovery state, and I hate it. But this post gave me so much hope that full recovery is a reality and I can ( and will!!!) get there.

    1. Thank you, Sarah!
      There is hope! I promise that even though you can’t see it, if you keep pushing and working towards recovery, the reality of a better life will unfold!! I’m wishing you the best!

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