When the fuse blew

Thoughts from last night.

Sitting here and it’s almost midnight. The power went out so Jules (my pup) and I are sitting in the living room that’s dimly light by a candle and a flashlight. Terry is still out of town for work and man do I wish he was here. When I say I’m not scared of anything I forget the one thing that’s scared me since I was a child: the dark. Specifically being alone in the dark. During the day or with someone I feel free as a bird but at night when it is dark and I am alone, it all comes back to me- heart racing, fear pulsing through my veins.

I am playing Terry’s EP from 6 years ago and it’s making me feel a little better.

Fear is such a strong emotion, almost stronger than love (human love, that is) when you think about the things it make us do. I mean, I considered calling the sheriff’s department and asking him to sit outside my house (update: I did and they said there were four units in my area). I considered going to Waffle House to drink coffee and read, but that seems silly so late.

People stay with people who aren’t right for them in fear that they will end up alone and never marry. People take the first job offer even though they hate the idea of it because what if they don’t get any more offers? People sit at home rather than go to a social event because talking to new people can be scary. People don’t order anything new from a menu at a restaurant because what if they don’t like it? People don’t pray to God to reveal the bad in their life because they may have to change.

Fear paralyzes. I lived many years paralyzed by ungrounded fears while under the tight grips of anorexia. Afraid that one step in the path to recovery (like eating fries again, going to social events, saying “I’m hungry”) would cause me to lose all self-control and I’d end up going back to being overweight and not caring about my grades in school. Of course this was totally false- I didn’t need an eating disorder to do well in life. Yet I hung on to it for so long, simply out of fear. Sometimes I can’t help but think, what wasted years- but I think I know those years were not wasted because they demonstrated for me the twisted ways of fear.

It’s funny how I am waiting until the lights come back on to go to sleep and turn the lights back off.

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